Anxiety. Sadness. Fear. Disappointment. Anger.
For years I buried these feelings under the binge. I was afraid these feelings would beat me to a pulp, then swallow me up. I was afraid that if I started crying, I wouldn’t stop. Hating the part of me that couldn’t stop eating hurt. Constant judgment of my body hurt. Lost opportunities as a result of the depression that follows a binge hurt. Core wounds from childhood that emerged in adulthood hurt. Believing that I couldn’t stop bingeing hurt. These feeling were trapped inside for years. Each binge buried them deeper until I felt dead inside. Deadening the feelings with food was killing me.
But after 10 years of stuffing the pain under food, I began to (slowly) let myself cry instead of eat. Practicing self love and forgiveness made me cry, but it felt good. It felt real. I felt alive. I learned that the feelings didn’t kill me, but continuing to binge would. A good cry actually left me feeling cleansed, instead of toxic from a binge. I would cry so hard that the heavy breathing felt cleansing too, along with the tears. It felt like I was clearing out the cobwebs from my chest after years of holding my breath. I allow myself to feel my feelings now and it feels better than stuffing them with food. Crying IS a cleansing process. It’s a positive form of healing. It’s a way to honor what’s really going on , instead of denying your truth and burying it. You can’t release the pain unless you allow it to come up and out. If you binged every other day, allow yourself a cleansing cry every other day. Carve out an hour to feel your feelings and release them, instead of eat. If the pain is coming up, cry it out.